How a Caregiver Processes

Something was there, deep within me. I had no idea what it was, but it was troubling, causing some anxiety. This sort of thing has happened with me in the past -- being anxious about a mysterious element in my life, not knowing what it was but knowing I must call it to the surface of my consciousness so I could see it and meet it and deal with it. If I didn't discover it, if I let it be, it would become infected, spread throughout my psyche, and disease all aspects of my life.

I blocked out two full days on my calendar with the intention of staying quiet, being relaxed and open to allow this new element, this new issue, to reveal itself. And I sat with my anxiety. I sat with not knowing. I sat with my tears. I sat in love.

I meditated. I watched HGTV and the Food Network and Say Yes to the Dress. I wrote in my gratitude journal. I listened to music. I did some art. I wrote. I read. I cooked. I thought. I answered phone calls from friends and chatted with them. I sat for hours, looking at the wall, gazing out the window. All the while being with my anxiousness, being content with it, and asking this troublesome element to show itself so I could acknowledge it and love it, accept it into my life and then take whatever action would be appropriate.

Finally, in the late afternoon of the second day it came to me. It came to me not by way of introduction. It didn't say to me, "Hello there. I'm what's been bugging you." Quite the contrary. It came to me as the solution to what had been bothering me. It came as a gift from my soul.

Before the solution came, I had no idea what the troublesome element was. Neither did it matter because when the solution arrived, it was an action item for me to complete, as is usual in this sort of situation.

Now, I'm not going to tell you what the action item is just yet -- it's simply too private, too confidential. However, I will probably reveal it in Romeo and Juliet in Dementiaville: the Book. So stay tuned . . . and sorry 'bout that.