When Friends Visit Romeo in the Nursing Home

When I visit Romeo at the nursing home, it reminds him that he'd rather not be there, that he'd rather be with me all of the time, wherever I am. And then he's sad for the rest of my visit and doesn't really enjoy our time together. He wants me to be there, but he also wants to be with me when I'm not there.

That's natural. It's also impossible. He needs care 24/7. I can't give it to him. As a result of our not being able to be together all the time, our visits take on a sad, serious undertone. There are times of levity, but he is somber much of the time I am with him.

By contrast, however, Romeo has a grand time when friends visit him. Unlike the time he and I spend together, his time with friends reminds him that he indeed has a life. It is not quite what he may have envisioned, but he still has a life.

One of Romeo's friends, Frank, regularly visits and emails me reports of their time together. I appreciate this, as it gives me a glimpse into a world unfamiliar to me, the world Romeo lives when I'm not with him. Here is a recent report from Frank:

You may be pleased to know that Romeo looked and acted more like the old Romeo than ever before today. He was bright and chipper and fulla good mirth. We laughed and joked quite a bit, as well as discussed current events: the 3rd War at the Arizona border. It's weird. He knows he has "dementia episodes" but today he was as sharp as ever. We had lunch and time on the patio.

And another visit:

I spent several hours with Romeo talking, having lunch and enjoying two little old ladies flirting with me, telling me how much they admired my "lovely pants." Too funny.

I told Romeo the story of the Aryan Vandals who conquered Carthage, decimated the Roman army and naval fleet circa 450 A.D. The Byzantine empire sent from Constantinople a fleet to retake Carthage, a key Mediterranean center, but the Vandals decimated their ships by fixing the rudders on many of their unmanned ships, setting fire to them and letting them drift into the tight cluster of Byzantine ships, an amazing sea battle in which the Vandals simply anchored their manned ships and watched the enemy burn...a complete and humiliating victory.

Romeo loved the story...like a little boy he listened with rapt attention and exclaimed "Wow!" at the conclusion. I know he loves history, the more obscure, the more interesting.

After a few hours he settled down for a nap, asking me to remind Juliet to bring ear plugs/muffs because at 6:00 a.m. there's a lot of sudden clanging of metal carts and whatnot.

He had totally forgotten my visit last Friday. I told him just to remember that Fr-Fr-Fr-Friday means Fr-Fr-Fr-Frankday. He said, "Fine, I'll totally forget this visit and when you come next week it will be such a good surprise," with his usual dark humor. He made me laugh. I told him I'd call if I wasn't coming on any Friday.

Overall, he was chipper and happy to have a conversation.

Chipper and happy -- something I don't see much of in him. I am grateful that he has good times, that he can laugh. Thank you, Frank, and thank you to all of Romeo's visitors for giving Romeo this time, the chance to be happy, the chance to lose himself with childlike wonder in a story, the chance to laugh at his own dementia.