It is this: If you have never been involved in taking care of someone with dementia or have never spent at the very least a 24-hour period with someone who has dementia, then you don't get it. You don't understand what both the caregiver and the dementia patient are dealing with daily. You don't get the nature of the condition. You can't fathom the level of stress for both the caregiver and the patient on even the best of days.
As a result, any suggestions you make to the caregiver, to the dementia patient, however well-intended, come from your lack of understanding, from your innocent ignorance of the situation. What you say will not help and could even make the situation worse, could add more stress. So please, kindly stop. Hold back.
Taking care of someone with dementia is far beyond what you can imagine, and it's best you accept and admit this to the caregiver instead of making suggestions on how she should deal with a situation she may have been explaining to you. It could quite possible endear you to her further.
Instead, the best action you can take is to listen to the caregiver and try to understand. This one simple act will be more helpful than communicating any ideas you may have on how the caregiver should handle the situation -- for your innocent ideas will miss the mark horribly and will further serve to separate the caregiver from you. It will reinforce the feeling of isolation she already experiences -- the feeling that no one understands. And that is no help at all.
Above all, don't interpret whatever a caregiver says as a call for help. Give advice only if she asks you directly. (At the very least, ask her if she wants advice before you give it.) She may be vulnerable, but she is not helpless. She can --and will, we hope -- ask for help, for advice, for validation, for anything else when she needs it.
And please, please remember that hugs all around always work.
If you're reading this and have had a different experience, a different viewpoint, or simply want to vent, please send a comment and tell us. Romeo and I want to provide a voice to anyone who desires to weigh in on this.
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