A Caregiver Reads: Healing Conversations

I wrote this brief book review for CARE Connections, a publication of Boulder County Aging Services, which gives Information and Inspiration for Caregivers. It appeared in the May/June 2011 issue.

Healing Conversations:
What to Say When You Don’t Know What to Say

by Nance Gilmartin

All caregivers, on a daily basis, encounter the need to communicate with others and themselves on a variety of delicate situations. Having a difficult conversation is one thing. Having a healing conversation, however, is quite another.

In a healing conversation, the object is to make a heart-to-heart connection that allows each participant to feel they understand the other, as well as to feel they are being understood. Sounds easy, right? Not even. Talking with others on this level requires that we do not judge them, aren’t out to rescue them, or aren’t trying to fix them. This can be a tall order indeed, especially when our topics of conversation contain emotionally charged content, as is typical in caregiving situations.

In Healing Conversations: What to Say When You Don’t Know What to Say, Nance Guilmartin guides us in having healing conversations in a variety of life situations, including a number that are relevant to caregiving. Following are some points that stand out.

Using the Rule of Six. Asking for help seems to be the number one place where we caregivers mess up. We simply don’t like to ask others for help. Yet, it is probably the most important thing we can do to insure the health of our loved one and ourselves. We cannot do it alone. The Rule of Six simply states that you must ask six people for help, not just one. Yes, SIX people! Guilmartin explains that the first person may be busy, the second might not want to get involved, the third may not be able to satisfy your entire request, the fourth may refer you to someone else, the fifth may not be able to do what you ask but can help in other ways, and the sixth may be the one who says yes. It amounts to casting your net further afield than you originally thought in order to catch the good fish.

Just How Do You Ask for Help? You do this by first making your own “wish list.” By spelling out and being clear about what you do and don’t need, you can make specific requests that others can understand and honor. Take responsibility for asking for whatever help you need at any given time. And if you can anticipate what you’ll need and ask for it ahead of time, the better the chances are that you’ll receive it.

I Know Her Name: Living with Alzheimer’s. As many caregivers know, we want to respond lovingly and patiently to our loved one with Alzheimer’s or dementia. They are oftentimes angry, confused, and unintelligible. The person inside is lost and trying to find her way. How do you help orient your loved one to the outside world? To their private world that only they can see? How do you compassionately help them without yourself becoming stuck in their dementia? The answer is that each moment, each situation is different and must be addressed as if it was a new situation -- and it is.