A Caregiver's Joy and Lament

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to heaven, we were all going direct the other way - in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.

-- Charles Dickens, in A Tale of Two Cities

It's over. It's been over. Romeo's dementia continues to take him away. Whatever he and I came together to do is ending. We've finished it. I continue to care for him, to look after him, to be there for him, to love him. But it's over.

My sorrow lives on, and it will for a time, but my life with Romeo is over. It's over before it had a chance to begin, to really begin.

My joy -- ah, this joy. So unlike my sorrow, this joy lives on. This joy continues to live. But the joy is not over. My joy is alive and will continue to live for as long as I do, and could very well live beyond my time. The joy of having had Romeo in my life, present in my life, the joy of loving him, the joy of having been loved by him, of being loved by him, in a way no one else has ever loved me -- that joy will always be with me. It will last a lifetime, and it will always be at the root, the base, of who I am, of what I'm about. It will continue to encourage me and remind me that once upon a time, not so very long ago, there was sorrow, yes...but it is joy that survives.

Juliet's Personality and Soul Card

In my previous post, I talked about Romeo's Personality and Soul Card. Now it's time to talk about me and my Personality and Soul cards.

I made calculations to determine which of the Major Arcana tarot cards represent both my Personality and Soul cards and Romeo's (see instructions below for how to determine your Personality and Soul cards). You can think of the Personality and Soul cards as being similar to astrological signs. They are your personal lifetime cards. They help give insight into your life, to your personal journey.

The Personality card symbolizes what you've come into this particular lifetime to experience, learn, study. The Soul card indicates your soul's purpose throughout all of your lifetimes. As it happens, my Personality card and Soul card is the same card, and so is Romeo's, albeit we each have different cards. Because our Personality cards and Soul cards are the same, it means that we're both working specifically on our soul's purpose. It means that we are more focused, more direct. The word intense comes to mind.

My Personality and Soul card is The Hermit. Romeo's is The Chariot. Here's my take on what The Hermit symbolizes in my life.

The Hermit is about the inner life and spiritual quests, about the higher self, the inner voice and about following its guidance. The Hermit speaks directly to my life as caregiver to Romeo, as it implies that the forced limitation and circumstance of his dementia cannot be changed. Even time cannot change the fact that Romeo has dementia. Time will only make it worse, more pronounced. It will take Romeo over completely.

By accepting Romeo's dementia as well as my role as his caregiver, I've come to realize that it's best not to struggle against the the situation. And through this realization has come a sort of calm acceptance, a graceful humility that has helped me navigate the ups and downs of my caregiving life that could very well have been unmanageable without The Hermit's steady, wise influence. Not to say that there aren't challenging times -- there are plenty. However, The Hermit's presence is a reminder that I can choose to trust the bumps and falls that are part of being a caregiver, that come with loving someone with dementia. I can only watch in silence as our lives unfold, as Romeo's dementia progresses. I can only listen as my inner voice guides me to say, to do whatever is best for Romeo, for me.

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To determine your Personality and Soul cards, follow this process (from Tarot for Yourself: a Workbook for Personal Transformation, by Mary K. Greer):

Add together your month, day, and year of birth.

Example:

October 14, 1947

10 + 14 + 1947 = 1971

Then add each digit. 1 + 9 + 7 + 1 = 18.

If the resulting number is 1-22 (as it is in this example), this is your Personality Number. Then match up the number with the corresponding Major Arcana card. In this example, it's the 18th Major Arcana card, The Moon. To determine the Soul Number, add 1 + 8 = 9. The corresponding Major Arcana card is #9, The Hermit.

When the birthdate number adds up to be more than 22, reduce the number down to 22 or less. This is the case for both Romeo's birthdate and mine.

Romeo's birthdate:

November 23, 1944

11 + 23 + 1944 = 1978

1 + 9 + 7 + 8 = 25

2 + 5 = 7

Corresponds to Major Arcana card #7, The Chariot

Juliet's birthdate:

September 28, 1952

9 + 28 + 1952 = 1989

1 + 9 + 8 + 9 = 27

2 + 7 = 9

Corresponds to Major Arcana card #9, The Hermit

When the birthdate is reduced to a 1-22 number, the corresponding Major Arcana card is both that person's Personality and Soul cards. This means that in this lifetime, you're working specifically on your soul purpose, which makes you more focused and directed.

Romeo's Personality and Soul Card

I must admit that I have a difficult time reading Romeo's tarot cards. I suspect it's because of his dementia. The information that's transmitted to me is scrambled, garbled, out of focus, and I haven't been able to relate it to his life...because his life isn't a typical life. It's a life with dementia.

I am by no means an expert at tarot. I dabble in it. Or should I say that I dabble at dabbling in it. So I'm lost and don't know what to make of Romeo's cards. Nevertheless, I'll take a stab at it. Who knows? Something useful or insightful may come out of my ramblings.

I made calculations to determine which of the Major Arcana tarot cards represent both Romeo's and my Personality and Soul cards (see instructions below for how to determine your Personality and Soul cards). You can think of the Personality and Soul cards as being similar to astrological signs. They are your personal lifetime cards. They help give insight into your life, to your personal journey.

The Personality card symbolizes what you've come into this particular lifetime to experience, learn, study. The Soul card indicates your soul's purpose throughout all of your lifetimes. As it happens, Romeo's Personality card and his Soul card is the same card, and so is mine, albeit we each have different cards. Because our Personality cards and Soul cards are the same, it means that we're both working specifically on our soul's purpose. It means that we are more focused, more direct. The word intense comes to mind.

Romeo's Personality and Soul card is The Chariot. Mine is The Hermit. Here's my take on Romeo's Chariot as it relates to his life (for an interpretation of my Personality and Soul card, see the next post).

Typically, The Chariot is about harnessing and directing all of your forces toward your goal, about taming your fears and staying in tune with your inner wisdom so you can fight for what's important to you, to meet your challenges and be able to succeed.

As Romeo's Personality card, as his Soul card, does this accurately represent what his life has been about? I do not know. He's had dementia during most of our time together, and I don't know if his recall of his life is accurate. I know he was and still is a spiritual seeker, that it has been his driving force for many years, that he traveled to India from his home in Britain and then eventually to Oregon to be with his spiritual teacher.

Throughout Romeo's life, he wasn't interested in raising a family, he wasn't interested in developing his career as a computer programmer, and he wasn't interested in accumulating material things. His life was about spirituality. His goal was spiritual development, his goal was enlightenment. Period. He was focused, it was easy for him to stay on target, and he struck down obstacles with such ease that they hardly seemed like challenges.

In this sense, The Chariot proves him right as a Personality and Soul card -- he most definitely has been successful at directing all of his energy toward his goal, toward spiritual development, and he's been so successful that a number of people believe him to be enlightened. I know better -- I've lived with him -- wink, wink, grin, grin. But he is the most spiritually developed person I know. Romeo is my hero, my rock, my lighthouse.

Now, with dementia, Romeo's light is fading, and he no longer thinks of spiritual development. He doesn't quite follow the logic in our spiritual discussions, although he comes up with some insights that wow me.

Is the tarot game over? Does Romeo have any life purpose and soul purpose left? He claims he has no goals. I think he does. He may not be conscious of them, but he is definitely living a purpose, contributing something in his every day life, at least on his "good" days. He is a channel for Love. It seeps out of him as he greets people, as he speaks with them, interacts with them, and even as he simply sits silently. He is Love. Simple, pure. He melts hearts and raises the level of love present in the room. What an honor it is for anyone to be in the presence of this man -- whether they know it or not.

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To determine your Personality and Soul cards, follow this process (from Tarot for Yourself: a Workbook for Personal Transformation, by Mary K. Greer):

Add together your month, day, and year of birth.

Example:

October 14, 1947

10 + 14 + 1947 = 1971

Then add each digit. 1 + 9 + 7 + 1 = 18.

If the resulting number is 1-22 (as it is in this example), this is your Personality Number. Then match up the number with the corresponding Major Arcana card. In this example, it's the 18th Major Arcana card, The Moon. To determine the Soul Number, add 1 + 8 = 9. The corresponding Major Arcana card is #9, The Hermit.

When the birthdate number adds up to be more than 22, reduce the number down to 22 or less. This is the case for both Romeo's birthdate and mine.

Romeo's birthdate:

November 23, 1944

11 + 23 + 1944 = 1978

1 + 9 + 7 + 8 = 25

2 + 5 = 7

Corresponds to Major Arcana card #7, The Chariot

Juliet's birthdate:

September 28, 1952

9 + 28 + 1952 = 1989

1 + 9 + 8 + 9 = 27

2 + 7 = 9

Corresponds to Major Arcana card #9, The Hermit

When the birthdate is reduced to a 1-22 number, the corresponding Major Arcana card is both that person's Personality and Soul cards. This means that in this lifetime, you're working specifically on your soul purpose, which makes you more focused and directed.

A Frozen Caregiver, or a Deer Caught

Nobody was really
surprised when it happened,
not really, not on the subconscious
level where savage things grow.

-- Stephen King

I am a deer, caught in headlights. For the past few days, I have wandered around the house, around town, startled, frozen, blocked, unable to do much of anything.

What's going on? What to do? All I know is that I don't care. I simply want to be caught in the headlights. I want the light to shower me, to drench me, to cleanse and heal me. I'll sit here in the dark and let everything that's happened with Romeo these past five years hit me again. Without consciously knowing what I'm doing, I'll take everything, gnaw on it, love it, and let the light shine on it.

My eyes blink, but I can't move. I don't move my eyelids. Someone, something else moves them. My mind talks to me, but it's not me talking. It says, "Stay. Stay frozen. Let things wash over you. You don't need to do anything. Just stay frozen." Easy to do, since I'm caught in the headlights and can't move.

I ask my mind, "How long will this last? How long will I be frozen?"

"It doesn't matter."

And I suppose it doesn't. I am too frozen to care. The headlights shine on me. I remain still. But I know now that I am startled. I am surprised to be in this situation. To have been thrown into the role of caregiver to a new husband, before the honeymoon was over. If the headlights had spotlighted me during that first year we were together, would I have stayed with it all this time? I don't know. Too much to think about right now. I just want to be with it here, immobilized.

The Purpose of a Caregiver's Grief Process

I recently had breakfast with a friend who just returned from a long stay in India to participate in a deepening spiritual process. Over eggs and toast, pancakes and pure maple syrup, we sat for three and a half hours (!) talking about what had been going on in each other's lives while he was away. And over this simple and common breakfast, he reminded me of something not so simple and not so common. Something so obvious that I never noticed it, never thought of it, never acknowledged it until he said the words.

I told him about my grief at losing Romeo to dementia, how I hadn't been able to keep the stress level low no matter what I did, how an overwhelming sadness hung over me. I told him how the activities I did previously to keep stress on a leash no loner helped. Meditation didn't seem to help, drumming didn't seem to help, exercise didn't seem to help, qi gong didn't seem to help. Reading, listening to music, having fun, none of the usual stuff was working. I am stressed out, sad, anxious, tearful.

He wants to know more about my stress level. I explain that if my stress level, for example, were 8 on a scale of 1-10, then previously I was able to take it down to perhaps 3 or 4 or 5 by doing any one of my usual activities, my "usual stuff." Now, however, no matter what I do, that stress level stays at 8. And it's weighing on me emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically.

His reply, so elegant, so insightful, so freeing, was simply, "What? You expect to feel good during a grief process?"

Aha. Of course. What was I thinking? The purpose of the grieving process, for goodness sake, is to grieve. Sheesh. I'm a little slow sometimes, especially when I'm in the thick of something, when my mind is occupied with something major like grieving for Romeo. Expecting to feel good during a grief process? Well, yes, I guess I had that expectation. Silly me.

The only question that remains now is how to make friends with that grief, how to greet it, let it come out, and express itself, and how to be joyful when it shows up. Grief is part of life, after all, and life is exquisite, grief and all. How, then, to welcome it? The answer, I think, is to honor it simply by letting it be. By recognizing it and inviting it to stay for as long as it wants. By giving it the space it needs to express itself. By letting it take over an entire day if that's what it wants. By crying for hours and being fine with that. By laughing when it's over, at least for the moment. And by knowing, really knowing, that this circumstance that Romeo and I find ourselves in -- is really okay just as it is. There is truly nothing we can do about it but ride it through, in both sadness and joy.